my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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