you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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