Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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