my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Found the puke drawer
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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