If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
