Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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