I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
