actually, I'm a sock model
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
