Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
