At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
