Whod you bang
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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