I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
