I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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