Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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