found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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