Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize