I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
