Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
