why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
