Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
