My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
