I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
