I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
