im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
