made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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