Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize