I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
