sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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