how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
