She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
