No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
