If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
