fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
