it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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