Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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