I haven't been this sober since birth.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
These tits shall not be calmed
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
