can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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