That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
