I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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