Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
