I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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