I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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