Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
