One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
