I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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