Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
