Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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