I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
