the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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