For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
