I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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