just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
