He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
