dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
