Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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