I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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