Pants 0. Shit 1.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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