I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
