I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize