I hate all girls vehemently.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
