Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Sober January is a disaster.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
try to milk me bitch
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
