This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
