ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
